McHale Visits Hometown...

"La vida no vale nada..."
- A Mexican Lament

By JERRY McHALE
Special to The Paz Files

BROWNSVILLE, Texas - In a surprising announcement, Mayor Tony Martinez has emerged as Mr. Amigo for this year's Charro Days. In spite of his hectic schedule, the busy politician has promised that he will make appearances at the three parades.

"I'm honored," he said, without laughing. "I never expected this. I knew I was popular when I defeated Pat Ahumada and several other candidates without a runoff, but I didn't expect my career to be crowned with this glory. I'm cutting my vacation to Italy short."

Martinez's nomination received a mixed reaction. Incumbent Pat Ahumada was disturbed that he wasn't the first American to garner the laurel, particularly since he spent most of his time in Matamoros during his two terms. "To be Mr. Amigo you have to be able to ride a horse," spat Ahumada. "Can you imagine Tony on a horse? What a joke! Horses require machos who could have ridden with Pancho Villa and Emiliano Zapata. Tony is a nerd. He belongs on a tricycle. Did he buy this designation like he bought the election?"

Members of the Ku Klux Kardenas, the St. Joe Mafia, the corrupt and incompetent Cameron County Democratic Party and "Boozin'" Bill Hudson and his reactionary, racist and rich Republicans were ecstatic about Martinez's selection.

"I haven't seen Tony in weeks," said Mary Rose "Miss Piggy" Cardenas. "He's so mysterious. With this elevation in the eyes of the electorate, perhaps he can persuade the public to forget TSC and promote UTB."

"I'm jealous," moaned Nacho Garza, a leading Bloodhound hit man and former mayor. "I'm not taking anything away from Tony, but I believe I deserved a few plaudits when I pulled survivors from the Mr. Amigo Building."

"It hasn't been a good year for me," cooed Abel Limas, the convicted judge facing a long prison term unless he can turn some evidence against Tony, his son Trey and other local Democrats. "Tony is very deserving. He has always been my amigo."

"I never need an excuse to get drunk, but it's nice when you have one," whooped Hudson. "Tony and I share an affinity for expensive wines. Whenever I buy a $100 bottle, he buys a $200 bottle. I'm starting this fiesta with a $500 cab. He's always bragging that he is as rich as Mitt Romney. Let's see if he shows up with a $1000 Malbec."

Unfortunately, Martinez's time is short. He is asking Commissioner Melissa Zamora to cover for him at Sombrero Fest. He insists that his fellow citizens would rather share besos y abrazos with the comely Melissa...

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[EDITOR'S NOTE:...This report was funded by Taqueria El Disco De Oro of Coyoacan, Mexico, a must-stop for peripatetic writer McHale when in Mexico City. McHale is editor of the pluriaxial blog BrownsvilleBlues.blogspot.com. This article initially appeared in that free venue...]